The loss of non-binary
2026-05-31
The past few months, maybe as long as the past year or so, I've been noticing a consistent decrease in the amount of gender-nonconformity, androgyny, and the general tendency of people to appear outside of a strict and extreme gender binary. More and more people are shifting either stone butch or high femme rather than being someplace a little in the middle like I've been used to seeing them.
And then, about a month ago, some random middle-manager I barely know swung through my work, saw that the one person in our office she knew wasn't there, took an instant and extreme dislike to me as a result, and then spent over a week nonstop ranting in hours worth of meetings to my manager about everything "wrong" with me, almost all of it centering on the core assertion of "he...she...I can't even tell what IT is!!!"
So, it was decided that choosing a direction and going hard in it might be the best option if I want to maintain employment.
Now I'm high-femme. All the time. Turns out I don't have the mental bandwidth to hold onto multiple distinct personalities for different situations so whoever I have to be to appease the system that allows my survival (my job) is who I'm going to be all the time.
I don't love it, to be honest. But I'm getting used to it and finding some social benefits to being perceieved as "unquestionably a beautiful young woman." Seems most people are nicer to you when they want to fuck you and all het men prefer femme women sexually, most gay women prefer femme women sexually, and all gay men and straight women find femme women un-threatening enough to "like" us.
Now I always wear dresses or skirts and I don't leave the house without makeup, even to go on the deck.
It's a massive pain in the ass and I don't like seeing how many other people are following the same trend. Society may not be able to eliminate trans people the way they seem quite intent to try to do, but they are absolutely winning the "war" on anyone who isn't on one extreme or another of the gender binary.
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Went to a place and did some things
2026-04-25
Even in an ongoing apocalypse, we can still have a little fun now and again.
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Why I know I'm right
2026-05-25
I've been studying for most of my life, either independently or through college, and I've always gotten unsolicited advice on the topics of my study. Which isn't really unexpected; everyone always thinks they're "helping" by throwing their two cents at you.
This time around, I'm going to college for Paralegal studies and Computer Science concurrently, with the intent to complete both an AS in compsci that I started 24 years ago and abandonded and to complete a new AS to be trained as a Paralegal and then go on to finish a Bachelor degree that honestly I should have just prioritized decades ago. It turns out that a Bachelor is basically how you guarantee a good job and it doesn't matter what you get it in because getting one at all essentially just proves that you have the proper decorum and funds to be considered "middle class" without having to prove it, and employers LOVE hiring people they assume were born middle-class, especially for higher-end, intellectual, or soft-skill labor. And I am getting far too old to keep doing blue collar unskilled manual labor for the rest of my life. I can tell you right fucking now that I will one day no longer be able to move at this rate.
Anyway, people keep telling me all of this is a mistake. AI is gonna replace all legal work, all tech work is already just maintaining AI, and the economy already has more than enough of all of that and plenty of intellectual laborers. Go into a trade, keep doing the unskilled labor; lifting is where the future is at, everything else will be done by machines.
And that's how I absolutely know that this will work out for me. Because across my entire life, every single goddamn time anyone has ever opened their stupid fucking face and given me unsolicited advice, I have always done what their "wisdom" has told me I should do; and every single goddamn time they've been dead fucking wrong and driven me straight into a swamp.
So this time, I've finally learned to listen very iintently to what everyone tells me to do, and do the exact opposite. This time, I know I'm right because everyone else is always wrong.
Thank you, but fuck you. I'm doing it my way this time.
. . / /
A Paradigm Shift
2026-05-25
My entire life, I've relied largely on myself for survival and possessing the kinda skills that make someone valuable to a household and to society. "Masculine" skills, you might say.
I could sit alongside engineers and do the support work they needed. Not quite an engineer myself, but definitely akin enough and far enough from the true support staff with their "soft skills."
I could fix the plumbing or the electrical or the hinges or the knobs and handles at home when something wasn't working quite right. I could take out the u-bend or replace the fuse and whatever was broken would work again.
But, like with most things in my life, this was never skill or talent. It was always applied Magick. My primary ability in this life is to apply an inherent well of Magick that I have spent my life growing towards whatever task I chose to.
I touched the machine, it started working. I touched the drain, it started draining. I touched the computer, it started chugging along again. I used to call it the "lay on hands" method; and now I lay my hands on other things.
My skillset, to the extent I even have such a thing, has shifted to "soft skills," to "people skills," to "feminine skills." I can fix your clothes, I can make your phone calls, I can help with your dinner, I can help with your laundry, I can talk to people in a line and come away with new friends. But this too, is all Magick. I've shifted the Magick that used to go towards the kinds of things that allow you to buy your survival in our society outright to things that, in our society, only allow you to help others live better so they expend less energy and have more left for buying their survival.
And thus, my survival has no longer become a right I earn on my own and has shifted to a gift others give me. Earning it to being granted it via charity. And that's a hard time mental shift.
It's hard for me to accept that if I take out the u-bend, it won't fix shit. I'll flood the kitchen floor and still have a clogged drain when I put the u-bend back. The kinds of objects that used to cooperate don't anymore and different ones do now, with the overlap generally being cars and computers. I can still speak to the spirits inside those machines, but so many others have had their languages scrambled to my ears. And new things - like people - who used to speak so foreignly to me are now so very easy to understand.
It's hard for me to get used to calling the kinds of people who do earn their survival to fix my shit and all I can do in return is provide the kinds of support that make it easier for them to earn thier survival. I can provide succor, but little else.
And it's hard for me to accept that my survival is no longer a given that I earn through my own talents, but a communally-granted gift that others choose to give to me.
It's hard to shift from a Cold War Era rugged individualist capitalist raised by Boomers and Gen Xers to a community-era socialist surrounded by Millennial and Gen Zer commmunists. Which, might just be the Xillennial anarchist curse. Maybe living between two EXTREMELY different groups of people's worlds is just what our lives are.
Being a half-gen is a real struggle because you are always trying to learn to ride the waves of the full-generations' worlds.
. . / /
Sights around The Cities: Green Windows
2026-04-25
Aren't these pretty??
. . / /
Is that a gun in my ass or am I just happy to see you?
2026-04-19
Could be either, really
. . / /
Summer has started
2026-04-12
I can taste it in the air, feel it in the warmth, smell it in the fresh pollens and green-notes in everything, and fuck do I ever hate it.
The summer has always meant a lot of things to me, and none of them good.
It used to be the time when I always got fired or laid off, but that was almost a decade ago now. Still, the old panic sets in every year as I wonder how or if I'll survive this one; if I'll find myself living in a shed or a basement or a car again, trying once again to jump-start a porn career that can only reduce in result the older I get. Porn is a young woman's game and the older you get the more nobody wants to see you naked or dressed "sexily." Even domination, which arguably gets better as you get more experience, isn't a thing anyone wants to pay for from a woman over 30, and I am WAY over 30.
Now it's the time when I worry I'll never lose this job, either by choice or force. I've been in a living hell for over 6 years now that only ever gets harder and leaves me more damaged every summer and yet I still keep surviving it and being stuck with it.
The summer was once when I worried I might die soon, now it's when I worry I may never die and be free of this shite life. And with each passing year I worry more and more that I'll never be free of the people who make it shite. I think there's a very real possibility the baby boomers are immortal and we'll be stuck with their absurdly toxic personalities and in the absolutely trash world they intentionally engineered forever.
The summer is when my relationships fell apart, and when new whirlwind relationships started up that would hit fever-pitch levels of intensity before calming over the fall and winter and falling apart next year.
I've been in an endless cycle of relationship birth and death for years now. Always a stop on the way to a girl's forever home, I've long been something of a polycule "good luck charm." If a girl dates me or even just intensely hangs out with me for a summer, by the winter of that year she'll find the girls who she'll spend the rest of her life with.
It's similar with careers. If a girl knows me, she will shortly find the next great thing that will start or restart her professional life in-earnest.
This is the way of things. I am a queenmaker, I have a kind of luck that only shines outward. And then I am left behind.
And I guess that's what the summer really means to me the most.
It is the time of year when I remember how stagnant and pointless and futile my life is. Ever watching others move on, ever a weigh stop on the way to greatness. A perfectly stagnant, eternal, unchanging thing.
A blemish on the otherwise elegant tapestry of fate.
. . / /
I wonder who the fuck this is?
2026-04-12
I've loved this graffiti tag for a while. I dunno who did it, and I haven't seen it very often in the places where I go, but holy shit if I ain't also "CRT4T"
So much of my dating has been done under the glow of a retro screen while playing old console games and watching old VHS and DVD movies.
. . / /
Sights around the city #1: South Cedar
2026-04-12
Saw a few neat things around the area of South Cedar, someplace in the 30th streets section of blocks.
I love this city's graffiti and public mural game. You always see the coolest shit everywhere. Like this vaporwave bird thing.
Also, someone put Tiffany from the Chucky//Child's Play movies on the side of their truck. Which, as a follow horror movie lover I can say is absolutely the right move.
I mean, I'd probably do a Cenobite because I like Hellraiser more, but still. Right move for sure.
. . / /
Bored of AI
2026-04-05
So, I fucked around with AI for a while.
Mostly because I thought it was kinda a fun toy that I could use to quick daydream out random concepts via having it shit out images of whatever popped into my head or to make quickie goon-bait videos. And theoretically because it might be nebulously "good for my career" in that sorta way that old people say you need to learn some random technology they think is going to be very important to the future of work.
You know that shit, the shit that some boomer convinces themselves is gonna take all of our jobs next and then maybe it gets shoehorned into your average job or maybe it just fritters away into nothing like the next fad.
One more thing to put on my resume because middle-managers convinced themselves it's the future and they'll ignore any application without it listed.
So I got the Gemini premium $20/month account, I got the Sora account, and I took the stupid online classes through work that would let me put "prompt engineer" on my resume. Which, btw, "prompt engineer" is just a stupid way of saying you're vaguely good at writing instructional sentences that are halfway between technical writing and what you might tell an artist in the intro email for a commission to test the waters and see if they even do the kinda thing you're looking for. It's basic sentence structure, nothing all that impressive.
I've also messed with ChatGPT and Midjourney and probably some others I can't remember.
And the more I used it, the more I got bored with it. And the more I was un-impressed by it even as they allegedly improved the technology and definitely pumped infinity money and other resources into it.
They kept adding more, doing more, training it more, and it never got really "good" at making the things I was asking for. Plus, the guardrails are always changing so one day a simple image of two lesbians is fine and the next it's banned. And the more they trained it, the more they ran out of existing data to feed it to try to "learn" from and the more they fed in its own output into it. That is, btw, how an AI goes "insane." Once you start inputting its own output into it, it is a short few days before the entire platform collapses and can't produce anything anymore.
So, I stopped using it. It was just too dull and even the thing I wound up using it for the most - short, shitty goon-bait videos - were just things I could cosplay up and act in myself.
And the thing about AI is that it's a lot like social media or watching TV or anything else that's kinda boring and not terribly useful: it's habitual.
If you keep doing it, you'll keep doing it.
But if you stop? Well, then you'll forget all about it.
That's the point I'm at.
I'm tired of AI, tired of what it can do and what it can't do and what it'll allegedly one day do but almost certainly won't.
I'll keep it on my resume, because whatever. If a job makes me use it, I'll do it because I don't give a shit what corpos decide to do and I'm just there for a the paycheck.
But on this one, I think I'm pretty happy to be a luddite.
I gave it a solid shot, the ol' college try as they say.
But AI isn't a thing I require nor desire in my life.
. . / /
Seward April Event Schedule (as of today)
2026-04-05
New event schedule at Seward! W00t w00t woot!
I wonder which things I'll go to?
. . / /
Crafting Weekly Roundup #1
2026-04-05
This week I:
- Finished a new pussy hat in my signature green/black(or grey) colors
- Made a day collar for myself to wear to work or the bank or whatever
- I'm self-collared, but I give myself to many I choose to owe loyalty to
- Mended and patched a nice jacket I got from a friend
- Made a new belt with a blue strap and a buckle depicting two anchors frotting
Hat & day collar:
The jacket before:
The jacket after with some fixed seams and new cuffs:
Belt!
. . / /
Mosh Politics, Lost & Found, and Pink Squeeze
2026-03-30
Wow, what an incredibly eventful weekend. Feels like I need the mundaity of the work week just to recover from it.
Started with the Mosh Politics show on Saturday which included Lover Girl, I Have No Love For Men Like You, Chemsexx, Kill Us Online, Slut Intent, and most importantly of all S.L.O.G. with their new album release. Grabbed a copy for myself in cassette and one in CD for a friend. Also gobbled down a slice of walnut banana bread from Seward's sweets case in the corner of their backyard while crouching like a little squirrel.
The view from the me // the view from the moon:
Stopped into the cafe the next day for some brekky and to grab a few items from the lost & found for some friends, including a little bell and a leather cuff. Either of which I would have personally been devestated to lose so I'm glad I could help them find their way home.
Sunday was the Pink Squeeze tour show at Pillar. I didn't get any video/pics of them unfortunately, but they were amazing and I'm definitely a fan now. Was sitting a bit low on funds at the show so a vinyl purchase was out of the question, but I might grab it later online, or a tape/cd offering would be an easy sale for me. I listen to vinyl, but it's just not with the frequency of my cd & tape collection since I'm usually out of the house and reliant on my walkmans and car stereo.
Did get some footage of Doll Chaser doing a...kinda sexy slow version of "Call Girl"? And Kyrie Nova being amazing as always.
All-around, a very solid weekend full of some extremely good moshing and hanging out with friends. Highly recommend checking out the local music scene if you're not already in it. The community is amazing and only growing.
. . / /
DJ Puppychow's Birthday Rave
2026-03-19
Went to a house-show basement rave back on Saturday. First one of the new space for DJ Puppychow and it sounds like there's likely to be plenty more.
I love DJ sets, but it's been kinda hard to find them happening at times that my elderly, 9-5 employed ass is awake and alert for. This one was about 8pm until...like...midnightish?
It was good, I went with my friend Mallory and her old friend Conor and we danced and danced, and then we chatted and chatted in the kitchen. Then I went home and ate and fucking slept. HARD
. . / /
Carving Again
2026-03-19
Getting in some stamp carving after a long hiatus.
Hoping to get this LoserGirl as a patch on some of my stuff and planning out something special for my battle jacket in homage to Doll Chaser and all the ways Dolly acts as a mascott for my social angst and anarchist efforts
. . / /